So, I’ve been wanting to write blogs so many times in the last year. I started writing right before my trip to Central America in January 2016. And stopped somewhere in October that year. I needed to get off grid, completely.
Not understanding why I was writing anyways. So I just stopped with the blog. I continued writing for myself, without having to censure it for the public. Some heavy shit is in these little books. A lot of times without a positive conclusion, outcome or insight. And I never wanted to publish something so ‘dark’ or ‘negative’. It just didn’t feel right to just put it out in the world. Why would I want to share that and why would it matter to others? And I didn’t know how. How to talk about things I didn’t understand. Things I couldn’t figure out. Difficulties. Struggles. Emotional rollercoasters. Mind fucks. A lot of depressing thoughts and downward spirals.
So having this struggle to write, wanting to speak up but also not feeling the need to, I finally just a moment ago I said: let’s write a blog right now. Whatever comes up. Dark, light, grey, colorful… whatever it is. Let’s not care about the tone, about the color. And let it just come out as it is.
And it happens to be quite lively. What pops up for me is.. spring! Transitioning. Stepping outside. No dark winters, but light spring. The sun just started shining, yesterday I bought my first blouse for when it’s warm outside, the rooftop where I work just opened for a new season, tulips are popping up and I feel ready to bloom myself too.
Different from two weeks ago, when my friend and I were sitting on a terrace with the full sun on our faces and I said: “I don’t know what the fuck is going on. But I’m not ready for sun. I don’t want the sun. Ugh, it’s too much.” My friend: “Me either.” And we both started laughing, because when did we ever say this? Why couldn’t I handle the sun?
Like it triggered something in me, of having to go outside all the time, having to be a social bee, be happy and bubbly, being literally exposed to the sharp light too long. Let me be the vampire and let me go lay down in my black box, I suggested. Not that I wasn’t happy or not wanted to talk with anyone, I just didn’t want to feel pushed to express it. To pretend it. Let me just be how I am now.
But today I want new things. I’m looking forward to the new. To experience and create the new. To continue what I’m doing, but with new energy, with new inspiration and intention. And of course I’m looking forward to longer nights with a warm breeze. To do a little road trip to the beach with beers in the back. And even if this never happens, it sounds pretty damn good to have longer days, softer temperatures, flourishing colors in nature and lively streets. It’s the spring and summer that resets that spark in people. To push the button again just because it’s there and it looks fun. A natural reaction to a vivid environment, showing off on the outside and bubbling from the inside, like champagne (muhah). And I think I just hit it today. Let’s hit it some more.
That’s it for now. Let’s see what comes up more. I most likely will write more pieces in Dutch.. English just feels a bit weird and distanced for me right now. I need the direct Dutch to express, I guess..